Glynis Mackenzie is Living on Purpose

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Today my mother would have turned 90 – now she has a new birthday …

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This earthly life can often be mysterious just as it is, but the end of an earthly life is a lot more so!

Just over three months ago, my mother reached the transition stage when her physical body became so frail, old, tired, confused, sore and worn-out that she was ready to move on from this earthly world. For quite some time, we’d been observing how she was losing more and more interest in life here – she wouldn’t eat much food and was spending more time sleeping or off in a dreamy state.

The reality of the death of a mother is hard

No matter how much one knows that this stage is timely, necessary and a welcome relief for the soul, it’s still poignant and painful when it actually happens. I found myself experiencing a mixture of emotions such as sadness, loss, peace, gratitude, exhaustion – and relief that my mother’s ongoing suffering was over. Along with this, I also had a sense of wonderment and fascination at all that she would better be able to understand, now that the veil of human perspective had been lifted.

Death is a sacred rite of passage

When one has any intimate contact with death, it inevitably leads one to reflect more deeply on the meaning of life and the mysterious progress of the soul.

What comforted and consoled me over this time – and whenever I reflect on the process of death – are the following words:

“The world beyond is as different from this world as this world is different from that of the child while still in the womb of its mother.”

Baha’u’llah

Thinking of it this way really helps me

I’m endlessly absorbed by this concept that our human life is similar to the life of a baby in the womb of its mother – and that the end of life in the actual womb, as well as the end of an earthly life, are both the beginning of life in a ‘new world’.

Interesting and helpful parallels

The life of a child in the womb offers parallels to our human life in this ‘womb-world’ and gives insights into its purpose and to how it can be used most wisely.

While the baby is still in the womb, it’s preparing itself for being born into its next life, this human world. Even though there isn’t anywhere to run, the baby develops feet and even though it knows nothing of chocolate, it develops taste buds! It grows eyes and hands, despite there not being much to see or to hold.

With intent and purpose the child develops itself in preparation for when it will leave the narrow confines of its ‘first’ life to be born into this world.

And so it is for us

If we see our lives here as a preparation for when we are ‘born’ into the next life, we’re more encouraged to develop the spiritual equivalent of human eyes and ears, limbs and organs.

Even though, like the baby, we have no real understanding of what the next stage will look like, we’re better prepared for when it comes.

Welcomed into a new life

The comfort for me in this analogy is that, while the baby is growing and preparing itself in the womb, there are many people who already love the baby and who are looking forward to welcoming it.

It reassures me to think of my mother being ‘born’ from this ‘womb-world’ into the next world to be reunited with loving souls who have been joyfully awaiting her arrival.

It’s not really possible to understand these things

It’s as impossible for us to understand these mysteries with our finite human minds as it would be for an ant to follow this post! But just because the ant doesn’t have the capacity to understand the human realm, doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist.

Likewise, just because the next realms are beyond our current level of human understanding, doesn’t mean that they don’t exist either.

Happy new birthday to my mother!

We will always remember and honour our mother’s regular earthly birthday, but we will now celebrate her new birthday, the day that her time in the ‘womb-world’ ended and when she was born into her new life.

And, just as a baby moves from a narrow, dark world to a place of light and wide open spaces, of beauty and undreamed of new experiences, so my mother has her spiritual equivalent of this. I like to think of her soaring through the limitless realms, learning, growing, expanding, experiencing, associating, contributing, rejoicing, supporting and loving. This is certainly something to be celebrated!

“I have made death a messenger of joy to thee. Wherefore dost thou grieve?”

www.livingonpurpose.co.za

Are you wearing the right bra for your size and shape?

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You’d naturally think that, because most women wear bras almost every day of their lives, they’d know the right size and style for their shape – but this isn’t usually the case.

Good underwear can make a great difference!

Underwear used to be called ‘foundation garments’ and, even though this is an old-fashioned word, it reminds you that the fit of your underwear forms the basis of what you wear over it.

Saggy, washed-out old bras that no longer provide any support can make you feel saggy and washed-out too, so consider replacing them with some fresh, lovely new pieces!

If your underwear fits you well, you’ll be able to forget about it and get on with all that you have to do, but if it doesn’t, you’ll notice it the whole day! You’ll find yourself constantly pulling up your bra straps when they slip down, readjusting your bra as it slides up or noticing if it’s too tight, too loose or just generally uncomfortable.

Try this test to see if your bra is giving you sufficient support and a good shape:

Fold your arms and notice where the point of the bust is. Ideally, it should be half way between your shoulder and the level of your elbow. If your bust is hanging low onto your arms, this will make you look and feel heavier because there is less space between the bottom of your bra and your waist.

If you have a small bust

It’s generally a whole lot easier to get bras to fit a smaller bust. You can pop into all sorts of stores and choose a bra that’s a pretty little slip of lace or a simple cotton design, because there are so many styles that will fit you and look good on you. 

Also, most clothes are designed for flatter chests as this makes the line of the garment fall more easily, unhindered by the ‘inconvenience’ of a bust-line! So, take advantage of the elegant way that your clothes look on you and appreciate the wide range of lovely bras that are available to you.

If you have a large bust

A bigger bust, however, needs more support and a good fitting is therefore a lot more important. It’s worth investing in good, well-fitting, attractive underwear if your bust is large. You don’t need to have loads, but a few beautiful, comfortable bras will make all the difference to your life.

There are gorgeous bras available that make the most of your figure and that will improve and enhance the look and feel of your clothes. Take the time to be properly fitted for the right cup size and the right chest size – both are important.

The feel of lovely underwear can also lift your spirits

If you have a job that requires you to be very professional and practical, pretty underwear can make you feel happy, free and confident, no matter what you need to wear on the outside.

When you have the right bras for you, ones that feel as if they’ve been made for you, you’ll feel more comfortable, free and able to get on with your life. No more tugging and feeling pinched, strangled, scratched, self-conscious, uncomfortable or restricted!

www.livingonpurpose.co.za

 

Why is it still so difficult for women and men to understand one another?

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As the subject of how women and men relate can still be bewildering and fraught for so many people, it’s never a waste of time to reflect on it a bit more – as well as to consider a practice that may be useful and helpful (see below).

Something is missing

More and more I hear from women and men that something is ‘missing’ or ‘not quite right’ in their relationships. In their interactions at home, at work, in their families, communities, cultural groups or in general, they’d like things to be more comfortable, fulfilling, authentic and meaningful.

The current situation between women and men has been developing for a very, very long time

For this reason we’ve largely become so accustomed to the prevalent attitudes, habits and behaviours that surround us that we’ve come to think of them as ‘just the way things are’.

We’d like things to be different but, because these practices are so intrinsically woven into everyday life, it can be hard to identify exactly what’s going on. It’s also overwhelming as to how to begin to unravel and dismantle them.

Where is the real progess?

So many books have been written on this subject and so many theories and ‘solutions’ discussed that it’s no wonder many people feel either weary of it all or confused as to what to do.

While statistics of gender balance in organisations and governments show that some progress is being made, they don’t give the whole picture of what continues to play out in many everyday lives.

What practical steps can we take to improve the situation?

As a result of my own life, I have a passionate interest in this subject and what we can do to evolve our relationships. The concept that makes great sense to me – and that has also really helped me – is the following powerful and far-reaching practice:

Soul first, human-being second – and gender a distant third

Essentially, this means that we treat every person we encounter as the noble soul that they are. We train ourselves not to be distracted by appearances so that we can see beyond the physical details of skin colour, features, hair, clothes – or gender!

This naturally requires that we unlearn many of our of old habits and then learn some new ones,but the freedom and authenticity that result are well worth it.

Evolving beyond gender

With the soul as the focus of our attention, we’re more easily able to cut through all the stereotypes, prejudices and misperceptions that have been absorbed over the course of our lives. This then helps us to move past the outer trappings of gender – with all the attendant habits, assumptions, role-playing, game-playing and posturing we’re used to, in order to have a better chance of developing genuine relationships.

It takes practice, though!

This shift in attitude can take a little while for everyone to adjust to, but, deep down, most people long for more peace, harmony, authenticity and joy in their lives – so keep practicing!

There are more similarities than differences

This approach moves us from a focus on our ‘differences’ to what we have in common as souls and as human beings, regardless of gender.

Naturally, the genders have some distinctions in their responses and approach to things, but these have been exaggerated, stereotyped, polarised and emphasized to the extent that we’ve come to believe we’re more different than we are.

Rather than compartmentalising people into genders – and stereotyping them accordingly – let’s rather celebrate the individual qualities and attributes that are embodied and expressed by various souls, independent of the gender of their human body.

A whole new world opens up!

Without the familiar old knee-jerk responses to gender, you’ll start noticing that you talk and behave differently, listen differently, don’t give up on others as easily or stereotype them as quickly.

If you work at this you’ll find that never again will you feel the need to talk about ‘the opposite sex’ in a bewildered or disparaging way!

www.livingonpurpose.co.za


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What do you do when you feel envious of others? How to turn it into something positive.

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Envy feels horrible. When I feel envious of someone, it makes me feel inadequate, lesser-than, upset and stuck. I lose my ‘Authority of Self’ and I forget my own individual purpose and design as a soul and as a human being. I can never wait to get back to my true self!

Comparing and competing is useless

Even though we all do it, comparing ourselves with anyone else is always a waste of time. As each of us has been created as a once-off, never-to-be-repeated original design , looking at another person and wishing for something that they have or that they are is unproductive, debilitating and useless.

You are like nobody else

To take this one step further: You have been called into being for a particular purpose that is unique to you, so it follows that you, just like everyone else, have the exact talents, attributes – and even bodily proportions – to allow you to become who you’re meant to be and to make your own contribution to the world.

For this reason, to envy anyone else is fruitless because you’re focusing on someone else’s life instead of your own.

So what do we do when envy creeps up on us?

Envy, just like any of the other emotions that feel negative and uncomfortable, has a positive purpose that, if used consciously, can draw your attention to something that you need to learn more about in yourself.

Envy, in particular, is very helpful in showing you where you may be neglecting something within you.

This is what helps me the most when I feel envious

  • As soon as I realise that I’m feeling envious, I stop and observe/witness how I’m feeling. This allows me to become conscious of what’s going on inside me.
  • I give myself a few minutes to acknowledge my feelings. I name them so I can deal with them: ‘Oh, I see – this out-of-sorts feeling is because I’m envious!’
  • I then identify exactly what it is I’m envious of. Is it an attribute or quality that someone else has that I’d like to have too? Is it something they have that I wish I had? I get very clear about what’s caught my attention.

Now, the important part that transforms envy into something positive and helpful:

  • Once I’ve identified what it is I’m envious of, I look for the equivalent within myself.

Some examples for you to try:

  • If you envy someone’s personal style, this is a clue to you that you need to pay attention to this area in your own life. As you’re a unique soul with a unique purpose, you obviously won’t simply copy anyone else’s style, but your envy shows that there’s a part of you that’s ready to express your own authentic style.
  • If you envy a book that’s been written, then reflect a bit on what you’d like to be writingabout.
  • If other people’s travels make you envious, consider a little trip of your own to somewhere that would give you joy. It doesn’t have to be a round-the-world trip – just start with a weekend away!
  • If you envy the confidence/courage/generosity/patience/joy in another person, this is a sign that you’re ready to develop these qualities within yourself. Remember, your equivalent of these attributes will be unique to you. For example, your version of confidence may not be robust and boisterous, but rather a quieter, gentler self-assurance.
  • If you notice yourself feeling envious of someone’s job or relationship or children or achievements, take the time to look for your own authentic equivalent. Consider what these would look like expressed through you, in your life.

Remember:

  • Envy exists to help you to see where you have potential and capacity that you’re not using fully.
  • The very thing that you’re envying is a pointer to where you need to develop your own authentic version of what you think someone else has that you don’t have.
  • This attribute or situation will look different in your life because you are unique, so work out what this looks like.
  • And then take the first step to manifest this latent ability or attribute within you.

This is true freedom!

Be grateful when you experience a sense of envy because this encourages you to turn the focus back to your own life and all that you can be and do.

You have the capacity within you to grow and develop endlessly and there is no limit to the qualities, strengths, talents and attributes that can be attained over the course of your life.

Let envy be a stimulus for you to expand, evolve, unfold and thrive!

www.livingonpurpose.co.za

Are you often late? Would you like to be on time?

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I have a friend who often comes late to gatherings and meetings held in his own home!  He’ll come into the room, apologising for the ‘terrible traffic’, even though he’s simply had to walk down his own passage!

It’s an amusing joke amongst friends – but being consistently late can be annoying and frustrating for those who have to wait for you before they can start.

In some cultures around the world it’s quite acceptable to be late and people work around it, but if your progress and career depend upon your being reliable, dependable and professional, it’s vital to know how to be on time.

But how to do this??!!

The most useful way to learn how to manage your time better is to know when you have to be somewhere – and then to work backwards. If, for example, it’s an unavoidable fact that you need to be at work at 8.00 am, let’s start with this.

(And, if you have to be there at 8.00 am, it’s a good idea to plan to be there by 7.50 am, as this gives you an extra margin for error.)

Travelling time:

Working backwards, if you need to be at at work at 7.50 am, calculate your travelling time from home to your destination. Make this the real time it takes, rather than some optimistic hope of how it would be in a perfect universe!

If you’re driving, look at the worst case scenario and factor in traffic delays and other possible hold-ups. If you take public transport, add in the time that it takes you to walk to the taxi rank, bus or train station.

This calculation will let you know what time you need to leave home.

Morning preparations:

When you know what time you need to leave home, work out how long you need to get ready in the morning. Factor in everything – all the people concerned, the preparations and realities – and this will let you know what time you need to get up.

Sleep-time and bed-time:

Again, working backwards, if you need to wake up at a certain time to get everything done, calculate what time you need to go to bed in order to get enough sleep to function well the next day.

Don’t underestimate how many hours of sleep you need. While there may be a few rare individuals who can survive on very few hours of sleep, many people in today’s world, including children, live in a permanently sleep-deprived state.

If you need to be asleep by a particular time in order to refresh and recharge yourself, work out what time you need to start getting ready for bed. Once you know the cut-off point for the day, you’ll know when to start turning off electronic devices and moving towards your bed-time routine.

It’s worth it to learn new habits

This may all sound easier-said-than-done, especially in our frenetic world when it’s almost become a badge of honour to be exhausted from overworking and endless activities, but it’s worth it to start changing your habits to improve your health, well-being, productivity and peace of mind.

This system can be applied to meetings or other events where your presence is expected at a certain time. If you need to be somewhere for training or a presentation within your building, it’s useless to start running down the passage with 5 minutes to spare, when it actually takes at least 10 – 15 minutes to get where you’re going! And it adds insult to injury when you arrive late and then still expect to run out for a cup of coffee!

Raise your standard of behaviour – it feels good!

Punctuality is generally seen as one of the hallmarks of a professional, organised, respectful, considerate, reliable and trustworthy person so it’s to your advantage to make some changes to improve the overall quality of your life.

And as someone remarked after the last blog: “It is truly amazing and empowering how you feel when you keep a new healthy habit going for a few days!” The first few days are often the hardest, but the positive benefits will encourage you to keep on going.

Why is it so hard to do the things that are good for us?

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Are you putting off doing even the things you want to do for yourself?

After the recent reflection on how we tend to procrastinate regarding things that we don’t want to do, a friend requested that we also focus on why we don’t always get around to doing the things that we do want to do!

I wonder about this, myself …

Why is it that we delay or avoid doing all the things that we really want to do – and that we know will improve the quality of our lives?

While we understand perfectly well that it’s good for us to eat healthily or to exercise regularly or to drink enough water or to sort out our cupboards or to contact people that we want to spend time with or to pray and meditate on an ongoing basis or to manage our money well, why on earth do we put off doing these things?

Change never seems easy

Part of the reason for this is the same as discussed in the previous reflection on procrastination.Whenever there’s any hint of ‘should’ or ‘must’, we tend to associate even the positive, good things with a sense of ‘duty’,’obligation’ or ‘restriction’ – and this then colours these things with overtones of reluctance and/or resentment.

It’s bewildering that we would sabotage ourselves in this way, by not doing the very things that we know will benefit us – but this isn’t an unusual thing.

Much of this sabotage pattern comes from the inertia we feel about changing habits that we’ve become used to, even if these habits aren’t healthy or productive.

It seems easier to lie in bed a little longer instead of getting up for a walk and we tell ourselves that we’re too busy/tired/distracted/upset or unprepared to start eating in healthier ways or to tidy up or to start building into our lives a little quiet time of reflection.

While these justifications may seem valid to us on one level, on another, deeper and more authentic level, we do know that they are simply delaying tactics – and mostly nonsense anyway! No matter how much we protest and postpone, we all have an inner knowing about what’s good for us and what’s not so good for us.

That’s all very well, but what can we do about this?

  • ‘I choose to do this!’

Once again, I suspect that if we change the language that we use about these things from ‘I have to’ to ‘I choose to’ and ‘I want to‘, it will be easier to encourage ourselves into better habits.

  • Create a genuine longing for what the healthy habits will give you

If you want to feel happier, stronger, more flexible, have clothes that suit you and your lifestyle, have more good friends who are on your wavelength, be more in touch with your spirit and your Creator and have more overall energy and enthusiasm for life, then focus on whatever it is that you truly want. The attraction and the longing are what will help to draw you forward in a constructive way.

  • Willpower isn’t enough

Whenever you find that you’re white-knuckling your way through something, enduring it until you can stop and go back to your old ways, remind yourself why you’re making these changes. Remember that you’re not doing this to punish yourself, but because you genuinely desire the relief, well-being, freedom and self-esteem that come from living your life in harmony with what you really need.

  • Little by little, day by day

New habits take time to become a regular part of your life, especially if you’ve had the unhealthy habit for years or even decades. Even the smallest positive changes can give you confidence and courage to keep on going – and if you go off track, kindly and gently encourage yourself the way you’d coax, urge and cajole a child into doing what’s good. You’re likely to get much further this way than berating or criticising yourself.

  • New habits take a while to become routine

Research varies on how long it takes to establish a new habit – some say 3 weeks, some say 6 weeks and some say 12 weeks – but in my experience it can take ages to get used to new ways! However, it is possible to create new habits that become part of your life – after all, you don’t need to be reminded to brush your teeth! At some stage you had to learn this habit, but now it’s automatic – and you can create equally positive routine habits at any stage.

  • Make a small start – you don’t have to be perfect immediately

When we rock the boat too much, there’s the danger of falling out, so don’t try to overhaul your whole life all at once. Choose something that you’d really like to have as part of your life. Imagine how you’ll feel when you have it – and then do whatever you can to start building this into your life. An ‘all-or-nothing’ approach seldom lasts and a gradual process generally reaps more lasting results.

And the more that you gently and consistently persevere, you’ll notice that your self-confidence and self-esteemalso grow consistently.

www.livingonpurpose.co.za

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Do you have Authority of Self? Your life will be different when you do

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‘Authority of Self’ is a way of describing a solid, inner sense of self-awareness and self-confidence that comes from knowing who you truly are – and then being able to live your life from this standpoint. It means that you are fully accountable for your own life, that you understand your own needs and can make healthy decisions based on this for yourself, by yourself.

This isn’t about Me, Me Me!

‘Authority of Self’ isn’t arrogance, entitlement or an aggressive and willful way of forcing through your own agenda, but rather a quiet inner certitude that enables you to ‘sit comfortably in your own skin.’ It gives you a gentle self-assurance and a secure knowing that you can manage your own life without giving away your own authority to other people and outside authorities.

When you have a clear ‘Authority of Self’ your life takes on more meaning and fulfillment because you’ve learned to trust yourself and to be happily responsible for your own life and what you do with it.

This concept isn’t one of ‘me first’, a rugged individualism or a strident need to fight for your rights, but rather a genuine awareness of your value and worth as a soul and as a human being. This healthy consciousness forms the basis of a life where you know your strengths and individual blueprint of attributes – and you use them to make an authentic contribution in your own unique way.

A wide-ranging concept

Developing an ‘Authority of Self’ encompasses many areas of life where you’ll need to reflect on some of the beliefs and patterns that you may have absorbed over the course of your life. Some of these attitudes and habits of thinking and behaviour will be positive and productive, but others could also be limiting and self-sabotaging.

authority18It’s really important to do some sifting through your belief system to discover which patterns are serving you well – and which are not.

Some of the interesting concepts that are part of an ‘Authority of ‘Self’:

Little by little, day by day

I fully realise that each of these concepts has great depth and vast implications for our lives and how we live them – but these are the stuff by which fulfilling and meaningful lives are created. Nothing happens overnight, but every little bit that we do to transform how we feel about ourselves makes a difference and before we know it, the quality of our lives has improved.

And, after all, we are the only ones who can develop our own ‘Authority of Self’. The way that our lives unfold has everything to do with what we put into them. Every single one of us has limitless potential within us to grow and develop and it’s our privilege and responsibility to make the most of this storehouse of inner treasures.

“All that which ye potentially possess can … be manifested only as a result of your own volition.”

Baha’u’llah

When you live with ‘Authority of Self’ you feel confident but humble, safe yet aware of the difficulties of a human life, free yet responsible and accountable. You have the satisfaction, joy and gratitude that come from mature spirituality – and this makes you feel that the sky is the limit!

Do you know when to say Yes and when to say No?

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On the surface of things, it would seem easy for us to know when to say ‘Yes’ or ‘No’. You just decide and then you give your response – clear and simple, right?

Well, not really. With so many of us there is a whole history of why we often say ‘Yes’ when we’d really like to say ‘No’ – or ‘No’ when we actually mean ‘Yes’.

Why on earth do we do this and what are some of the things that cloud and confuse this issue?

The reasons for this confusion often go back quite a way to how we were raised. For example, you possibly said something like: “I don’t like Mr. So-and-So’ and you were told: ‘Don’t be silly! Of course you like Mr. So and So!’. While this response usually comes with the good intentions of parents who want us to be good people, it can interfere with our ability to know and trust what we really feel.

Naturally, there are many things that we need to do whether we like it or not. Not many of us love going to the dentist or doing tax returns, but we do this as a necessary part of life.

We need authentic responses

When we become used to doing what other people want or expect from us, without any option for expressing what we think or feel, over time we stop knowing our own authentic responses. This inevitably makes it more difficult to know a genuine ‘Yes’ or ‘No’.

It’s good to be considerate of others – but not when this comes at the expense of ourselves. When we consistently put ourselves last, neglecting our own genuine needs, we can become tired, depleted, depressed and burnt out.

A helpful way to get back to authentic responses is to practice the following exercise:

In this exercise, our responses range across a scale with ‘Attraction’ on one end, ‘Aversion’ on the other, and ‘Neutral’ in the middle.

‘Attraction’ is the feeling of joy and energy you have when you can’t wait to do something. You’re excited and enthusiastic and time flies by when you do this. You’re relaxed and happy, your heart rate is calm and you feel alive and fulfilled. Being in ‘Attraction’ is therefore good for your body, mind and spirit.

On the other extreme of the scale is ‘Aversion’ which is the complete opposite of Attraction. Here you feel distaste and dislike for something or someone. You have to force yourself to do things and you usually feel tired, depleted and empty afterwards. These feelings show you that being in a state of Aversion depletes your energy, your health and your natural life-force.

In between Attraction and Aversion is ‘Neutral’. While Neutral isn’t an optimum state, it’s not about dread or obligation either. It’s a sense of: ‘This isn’t the best I could feel, but it’s OK for me, no real problem’.

The state of ‘Attraction’ is good for you

Ideally, it’s healthy for us to try and stay in a state of Attraction (or between Neutral and Attraction) as much as possible, because we’re then more aligned with our true self and authentic life purpose. This requires that we come to know our real needs as well as shifting from ‘I should’ to ‘I choose to’ in cases where certain things need to be done (difficult conversations, scary health checks, house cleaning – or whatever else we’re putting off doing).

The closer you are to the state of Attraction, the easier things become, because what you’re naturally attracted to is usually what you’re best equipped to be and do.

Aim towards staying in Attraction as much as possible

The further you move from Attraction towards Aversion, the harder things become, because you’re going against your innate design and purpose. This is when you start feeling off-track, frustrated and irritable.

If you were raised, as I was, to try and please other people at all costs, no matter how you feel – it would be interesting for you to get back to knowing what a genuine ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ feels like.

Don’t sell yourself or others short

A whole-hearted and authentic ‘Yes’ is a gift to yourself and others because you’re offering the very best of yourself.

And a sincere and well-considered ‘No’ is also a gift in that no-one has to waste time going through the motions, when the time and energy could be offered more constructively and authentically elsewhere.

Getting back to your inner knowing

It can take a little while to learn new habits so, while you’re in this process, it can be helpful to buy yourself some time to think before you give your usual knee-jerk response.

If you’ve ever said things like:‘Yes, of course I’ll do it – no problem!’ while, at the same time, wondering how you’ll ever find the added time, or if you’ve ever said: ‘No, I could never try that/go there/believe that/do such a thing!’ when, deep down, you’d actually like to open up to new possibilities, you may find these responses useful:

  • ‘Thank you for asking me – may I please come back to you on this – let me have a day or so.”
  • ‘That sounds interesting – I’d like to check my diary and I’ll let you know.’

And very few people will argue with this one :):

  • ‘I’d like to pray about it first – and then I’ll be able to give you a better response.’

There is a freedom, joy and empowerment that come from knowing your own needs and acting upon them with courage, courtesy and wisdom.

And the more that you’re authentic and true to yourself, the better it is for everyone else too.

 

Something magical happens when women tell the truth about their lives

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There’s a very interesting pattern that I often notice in many of the conversations that I have with women, especially when they’re in groups, but also as individuals. While I certainly meet women who feel contented, fulfilled and strong, many other women share with me some of the things that upset and, even disturb, them in their relationships at home, with their extended families and/or at work.

It’s not always that easy, however, for women to put their finger on what’s wrong, because they don’t often get the chance to speak openly about what they’re experiencing. Also, even though they feel that some of what’s going on is unfair, upsetting, inappropriate or unkind, they’re usually too close to their own lives and relationships to be able to make sense of what’s happening.

 

It feels liberating to tell the truth

It’s for this reason that’s it’s so important for women to have the time and opportunity

to get together to share their lives with other kindred spirits. Time and again I’ve seen that, when there’s a safe, loving and non-judgemental environment, one brave soul will ask a tentative question or share something that concerns her – and it’s as if a wave of relief sweeps through the room. As soon as one person starts telling the truth, it gives others permission to acknowledge what they’ve experienced.

‘I thought I was the only one!’

If we believe that no-one else is having similar experiences, it’s natural to feel embarrassed and anxious about opening up about our own lives. The images of ‘perfect lives’ that abound on social media are enough to make anyone feel a failure when things aren’t going as well as we’d like. And with the prevailing climate of competition that surrounds us, why wouldn’t we feel reluctant to disclose to others that we’re unhappy, lonely, frustrated or taken for granted?

Safety in numbers

One of the ways in which groups of people – whether they’re family, cultural, tribal, religious or societal – hold themselves together is for everyone to accept the traditions of habit and behaviour without questioning them. While this can be helpful in some instances, it can also allow all sorts of unhealthy habits and systems to continue that aren’t in the best overall interests of everyone.

When we pretend that things are fine when they aren’t, we keep ourselves stuck in outdated and unproductive patterns. I know from my own life that trying to maintain the illusion of ‘a happy life’ was what delayed my finally being able to live an authentic, fulfilling and meaningful life.

Look for safe, loving, kind, gentle and supportive friends

If you’d like to make some changes in your own life, make sure that your friends are on your side and want only the very best for you. What’s needed is the time and space to be able to share our hearts and our lives without criticism or being told what to do. Then, any sense of artificial competition melts away and a process of healing begins. As soon as we know that we’re not alone, we feel courage, conviction and a sense of freedom and happiness.

This heart-to-heart sharing is not about blaming or shaming others. It’s not about ‘confessing’ or inappropriate baring our souls or complaining for the sake of complaining. Any discussions are for the constructive purpose of understanding where we’re stuck so that we can take responsibility to heal our own selves – and in this way to heal our relationships.

Let’s do this together!

The better each of us does, the better we all do. When women stand together in mutual support and co-operation, we build a whole new culture of friendship, respect, encouragement, reinforcement, inter-connectedness, nurturing – and empowerment that’s real and lasting.

Instead of buying into the old patterns that lead us to compare and compete, we forge a different path of genuine pleasure in everyone’s achievements.

Start small – and then grow

If you want a more authentic, satisfying and joyful life, start being brave enough to share how you’re feeling. At first, choose someone that is trustworthy and kind and then gradually add others to your circle of truth.

The more that you’re true to yourself, the more you’ll attract people and situations that mirror this honesty and integrity. And then, over time, you’ll start to notice that your life has opened up and changed in ways that will delight you!

My divorce was one of the hardest times of my life

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I found my own divorce very difficult and painful. I’d been married for ten years and, even though it hadn’t been an easy marriage for me, I didn’t really believe it would end. I thought that, if I did whatever I could to try and iron out my own rough spots, I’d be able to hold things together.

You can only change yourself

I always knew that you cannot change anyone else, so I tried my hardest to heal myself so that the marriage could become the meaningful and supportive relationship that I longed for.

Any intimate relationship – and especially a marriage – will bring out issues in us that show where healing is required. My own marriage highlighted many outdated beliefs, assumptions and traditional ideas that I’d inherited from my family, culture and society that I wasn’t aware I had – and that I then needed to address.

I’m grateful for my marriage

In this way, my marriage was a great blessing because I learned a lot about who I really am. I learned some of the things that I liked in myself and some things that I clearly needed to take responsibility to change in myself.

Even though the marriage came to an end, I will always be grateful for the experience and all that I came to understand and to appreciate from this time.

The end of a marriage is never easy

I regard marriage as a sacred and divine institution that, in its intended form, is a source of comfort, support, security, well-being, companionship and joy. For these reasons, I did not take the matter lightly and I tried, within the limits of my capacity and circumstances, not to leave any stone unturned to make the marriage work. 

But, no matter the efforts that have been made, no matter the time involved, no matter how necessary it feels to take this step, the end of a marriage isn’t simple or easy.

A cocktail of emotions

Even after all the years which have passed since my divorce, I clearly remember my mixed feelings of grief and heartbreak, stress and fear, confusion and disorientation, disappointment and loss at the end of everything I’d hoped for – as well as the feelings of relief, freedom and excitement that were there too. It was an exhausting and poignant time.

There aren’t enough words to tell you how hard the process was for me. But I also need to tell you that, now I’m through it all and it’s well in into the past, I have ultimately blossomed and thrived as a result of the whole process. I’m now stronger, wiser, happier and more fulfilled than I could have ever believed was possible.

Divorce is the last resort

Please know that I wouldn’t wish a divorce on anyone but, because of how difficult and stressful it was for me, one of the remedies that I wanted to include in my Signature Range was to give support to anyone who has to go through something similar to me.

The Divorce Support remedy was created to give you the steadfastness, courage and perseverance you need at this time. It’s designed to carry you when you need it most and has everything within it that I wish I’d had when I went through my own divorce. You too can grow and benefit from this testing time.

This remedy has the potential to:

• Support you to feel calm and strong in the midst of inner and outer turmoil
• Stimulate independence, self-reliance and assertiveness to take charge of your own life
• Ease nostalgia for what might have been so you can adapt and move on more easily
• Give you courage, willpower and optimism as you move into a fresh new chapter
• Strengthen, soften and purify the heart to forgive and open up to unconditional love
• Help to protect you when you feel vulnerable, exposed and embarrassed
• Give you detachment, mental clarity and focus for effective decision-making and honest communication
• Increase patience and perseverance when you feel tired and overwhelmed
• Ease depression, confusion, shock, denial, persistent thoughts and fears
• Help you to nurture yourself and your children
• Increase your enjoyment of life and gives you wings to fly!

Order this remedy from http://theremedyshoppe.co.za/99-signature-range

Genie Rowson is my own brilliant homeopath and it was under her auspices that I had the privilege of developing these remedies that are so close to my heart. It’s also really worth considering an appointment with Genie!

For divorce support, please feel free to contact me: https://livingonpurpose.co.za/life-coach/